This state is unbearable. I want to shout. I wanna cry. I hate refusing. I hate the refusing of stuff I like, like dancing and drinking. But what to do if your parents are not rich and cannot help you with the money and financial situation. It’s only up to you. You have to save money and can’t go anywhere because on Friday night you’ll loose money everywhere. And you know you can’t. But you desire to have fun and dance and forget about problems however you know you are not able to do it this time. The Epica in your ears remind you that there is better music than this horrible commercial music that you have to pay for. AcDc reminds you that you need money for their concert which is going to be 100 × better than the commercial music. The only thing is that you want to be with people and friends; with beings you may not see ever again in your life as they live in different country. You say to yourself you’ll go and visit them but you know that’s never going to happen…so at least I wish them luck, wherever they are …..
It all started when I finished the school. I left my friends, my home, my country. I’ve come to England to achieve something big. Beginning was harsh and I felt like a fool. I tried to find a job, speak English and stay strong. People around me were arguing a lot, shouting all the time. Shouting at me. The ones outside, were being horrible as I was not one of them. I could never get any rest. I desired to give up rather often. I didn’t want to live in those shitty lies. Luckily, there was always person who gave me a shot of support so my inner voice told me to get over the problems and handle my at that time, current situation. Later on, I found a job in a small town and a tiny room, which I moved into. Peace and quiet. Finally, I heard no shouting, no arguments. The birds sang for me in the morning, the leaves whispered ‘good morning’. This was a place for my heart and soul. Crying came later. I cried because I was in this beautiful place but I had no one. I was lonely as a monk in the monastery, on the contrary though, the monk does not feel lonely when he is alone. I did. The only contact with people I had was the one at work. I worked in a very busy restaurant. I worked many hours. My solitude was filled in with a bottle of wine or whisky. You would think it helped, however it made my heart even more miserable. The time did not stop. The time flew and I was only wasting my life. I wanted to pack my stuff and leave but I did not have enough money to go……..(TO BE CONTINUED)
It was a dream I dreamt,
When I used to feel alone,
It was a dream I listened to,
When I felt desperate a lot.
It was a dream that flew away from me
It was a dream that did not let me sleep.
I have been trying to send it away,
I have been trying to live another day.
So she cut her hands and threw away her life
She tore the leave of the tree
and threw it away, into mud.
I feel I lost the dream eventually.
She stayed alive and decided to live.
Okay. I know one things. I know that I want to do this. I want to start blogging. The one is that I don’t know what to blog about. Can I actually blog about the fact that I do not know what to blog about? That would not interest anyone. My teacher on acting classes told me, if you act that you are bored on a stage, the spectators will be bored too. I have few ideas and I only need to give them a try. Firstly, I thought to blog about my depression, the states when I feel down, sad, small and useless in this world. The blog would be about my research and experience, theory in practice, about how to get over it. Would this be interesting for someone? Surely, it’s possible as many people suffer from mild depression and would be happier without having to deal with it. There are plenty of advices how to get over it, however they are proven and honestly I am not sure if they really help.
Secondly, I am a student at the university and all me and my friends do in a free time is ‘getting drunk, wasted, pissed’ (whatever word it describes best). Clearly, this kind of entertainment (shall I say) is very popular, mainly in Britain. As far as I am concern it is fun, it makes you forget about your problems and it makes you not to care what people think about you (mostly). However I am a type of person, whose mind and alcohol do not work together very well and this poison brings me even downer, makes me sadder, emotional and more depressed. The feelings of hating emerge from me and stops me from controlling myself. The evil and devil come up and become accentuated. Therefore I thought I could dedicate this blog to the experiences and actions in my life that we can do without alcohol and nights out and bring even more satisfaction to humanity; things that do not poison and destroy your body, on the contrary make you happy at that moment and so in the morning because you would not have to be hangover and able to move from bed all day.
Because I study Media and literature, my third idea of what to write about was to write stories. That would help me to make my imagination alive again and be creative.
I am very indecisive at this moment and do not know what to choose.
However why would I have to choose, I may be able to write about all of them or mix them together…let’s see…
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